Everything · For · You

i dont get him

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And you know I have a heavy heart, you can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than you have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But you you're not a gamble, I can count on you to split
The love you sell me in the evening by the morning won't exist

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated...

Oh I know that the music is fine
Like sparkling wine, so go and have your fun
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone

Baby don't you know I love you so
Can't you feel it when we touch
I will never never let you go
I love you oh so much

You can dance, go and carry on
Till the night is gone
And it's time to go
If he asks if you're all alone
Can he take you home, you must tell him no

'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,save the last dance for me
Save the last dance for me.

and this 'real'
it's impossible if possible
at who's blind word
so clear but so unheard

i've been waiting
i've been waiting for this silence all night long
it's just a matter of time

to appear sad
with the same 'ol decent lazy eye
fixed to rest on you
aim free and so untrue

everyone's so intimately rearranged
everyone can focus clearly with such shine

lost and loaded
still the same 'ol decent lazy eye
straight through your gaze
that's why i said i relate
i said we relate
it's so fun to relate

it's the room the sun and the sky
it's the room the sun and the sky

i've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment...

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can

I know something is broken
and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it anyway I can

smiling through denial, my specialty
i thought that was a good thing for a while
you gave me all your secrets, were you testing me?

how could i do anything but smile
reinact your legendary tragedy
and do to me what has been done to you

is that the only point to all this misery?
is ther any reason i should cry?

heal, it takes time and you gave me all you had
i know in time i will believe that i loved you
did you love me?
did you love me?

heal, it takes time and you gave me all you had
i know in time i will believe that i loved you
did you love me?
you loved me

Im begging of you please dont take my man.

Please dont take him even though you can.
.

Say goodnight and go

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Why is it always, always

Goodnight and Go

With her hair blowing in the wind, she suddenly realized she was awake. She brushed the strand of hair that woke her from her face where it had hit her. As she put her cold fingers to her cheek though, she realized that she didn't know where she was. Panicked, she sat up and looked from side to side. She recognized everything, but not in the right way. The world she had apparently fallen asleep in was not the one in which she had awoken. Faces passed her that she recognized, but she couldn't bring herself to smile, or even acknowledge them at all. She got up and walked alongside them. The faces. It hurt.

Now I'm thinking maybe, I was stoned. I felt my feet lift off the ground. And my heart was screaming, and my bones... "I need you closer..."

As he’s in the middle of the street... Then, I pretend he’s mine to keep. Cars are running fast on both sides of his head. His eyes say, "Closer.  Closer... Closer..."

I met him when the sun was down, the bar was closed; we both have had no sleep. My face beneath the streetlamp, it reveals what it is lonely people seek... "Closer, closer, closer."

And  you’re close enough to lose.
Close to the point, where you know...  that your mind, it can not choose.
Close enough to lose.
Close enough
to lose your 

heart.

Basically, I need to let a few things go. Things since the summer, since before that, since ever. Letting things just leave never to grace my thoughts ever again. but, I cant. Cause that’s too dramatic. Overwrought and fucked up and who the hell cares anyways. I look at myself in the mirror some days, and I just think to myself... "what the hell happened to you." I listen to some of the things that come out of my mouth and I ask "who the fuck are you." yeah I’ve changed, yeah it scares me. Do I want to go back? Maybe I never used to say the things I do now, nor would I have ever thought them. And its scary

my ideals and beliefs thrown out the window, I look at this girl and wonder where Rachel went. The one I remembered, the one I polished and got just right. justtttt right. like Goldie locks. Perfect. But she was weak, and she just let things wash over her, taking the pain. Over and over and over. There i go again with this dramatic bullshit. Someone hurt me. I’ve changed. Point made. Not necessarily a bad thing, not necessarily a good one either.

I do find I’m getting a lot more done though. Although it’s all crap. Nothing I’m proud of anymore. But hey- results are results... who can argue with that even if you disappoint yourself so incredibly thoughrally . Fuck, I’m really interested to see where this new approach will take me. do the ends justify the means? Do they? Of course I don’t. This is wrong. I know it. I don’t care though. What the fuck happened.

I want passion again. I want to wake up in the morning. I want to want to wake up. I want to feel that.... you know, that connection. Connection... is that the right word? I honestly couldn’t tell you.

So back to letting my shit go. Major confessional. I really wanted us to work. I really did. Krissy's right though. Surprising as it is. He only did bad things for me. That one week nearly did me in. look down, look up. In the reflection. Disgust. Fuck. I can’t believe I did that. I really cant, and to think, I’d do it all again in a second to get him back. Why? Who knows... did I ever really like him? I think so... why else? Maybe he was just an outlet. For the girl I wish I was. The carefree one, the caring one, the pretty one.... the one like her. The confidence. The allure.  So I failed. I just want to try again...

not to mention the other. Who refuses to give me back what is mine. Fucker. as much as I hate him, every time I’m with /her/ I wish I was she. His her. Does that make sense? Sure it does. Better. Do I still want to be her though, going through hell for the boy she loves? Fucking teen angst is so sappy and humiliating. That’s what all of this is .... Angst.... a.n.g.s.t.  Fucking loving it.

You know when I was little I used to sit by myself often. Just thinking. Making theories to try and explain my loneliness. Maybe that’s my theme. That’s right I’m a novel. A piece of work. ahaha... pun. Art? Yeah, okay. I always thought I was different. Like one day I’d just do something. Anything. Special, you know? And then my name would be written down in a book somewhere. Or on a wall. or outside. Or scribbled somewhere. Then that feeling turned into something I really don’t think I have words for. Like. I wished my entire life centered around one motion. okay maybe not motion. Emotion? no definitely not. Okay let me describe it. Sitting with your knees folded under, wearing the most beautiful of romantic satin gowns. One shoe on the other fallen off. A mess. Hands at the heart. and this feeling of having everything inside just wretched out of your body. Gasping for air. hair perfect. Pouted mouth. "Love me" written all over. yeah so that’s what goes through my head every time I think about my being. Am I acting like that woman? Am I her? I want to be.

"I so desperately want to be" 

Emptied, there was me, featureless and freezing .
Last night I dreamed ...you didn’t love me.

you kissed my fingers and made me love you

Last night you left me derelict and disappeared for ages
You just said ‘honey save those tears of yours for the show'
.
What’s happening to you?
Why don’t you love me like you used to?

Awake empty and out of sleep, you were beside me gently breathing
Last night I dreamed you didn’t love me.

Why don’t you love me like you used to?

...When you kissed my fingers and you made me love you<td width="10"> </td>